Simple Rules for Watching the Super Bowl

Published Feb. 7, 2010 at 2:30 p.m.

Today is the Super Bowl, the first of three days during the calendar year when Americans wear special clothing and drink themselves en masse into oblivion (St. Patrick’s Day and Halloween being the other two).

Even though the Hawks couldn’t be further from the Super Bowl than Tatooine, we’ll still partake. Chances are you’ll find yourself at a gathering of inebriates, so while you’re still good and sober (we think) take a glance at this handy list of Super Bowl watching tips. If you fit into one of the categories, burn the rule into your head for quick reference for everyone’s benefit, including your own.

For The Sports Freak - Share not your knowledge. If you’re a huge fan or walking football almanac, more power to you. This is your day. But it’s also the day when everyone else who doesn’t give a shit about sports gets to play too. So don’t bark at the TV like you’re the head coach and would’ve called a better play, or spout off stats about the Colts’ defensive line. Nothing makes you look more obnoxious than trying to flaunt sports supremacy over everyone else at a Super Bowl party. It’s like trying to feel good about yourself because you’re better at math than a 5-year-old. No one cares.

For The Indifferent Partygoer - Never, ever, ever, ever try to change the channel. Last year Seattlest was at a party where, with the Pittsburgh Steelers leading the Arizona Cardinals 20-7 after three quarters, a small but possibly high alliance of guests tried to switch to "Flight of the Conchords". We nearly picked a fight for the first time ever. And of course, the Cardinals mounted one of the most amazing comebacks in Super Bowl history, taking the lead before the Steelers won in the game’s final minute. Don't really care about the game? Fine. Just came to socialize? Understood. But try to touch the remote, and someone will dismember you with a broken Fat Tire bottle.

For The Truly Lost - The Basics. It’s the Indianapolis Colts against the New Orleans Saints. The Colts are the blue horseshoe. The Saints are the fancy symbol. Peyton Manning is the good-looking guy throwing the ball, but you want the Saints to win because of Hurricane Katrina. But the Colts are going to win. If you still find yourself asking “The Who?” Then at least you’ve got something right… they’re the halftime show.

For The Chatterbox - Quiet. This is never more true than during the Super Bowl - unless someone is making direct and prolonged eye contact with you, they don’t want to talk to you. You’re thinking, “Really? But..” Dadadadada… Shhhh.

For The Gambler - A sure bet. So you dropped somewhere between $5 to $50 in an office pool that may or may not be legal, only to find that the box it bought you has a number 2 directly above and to the left of it. Start recouping your losses with the pregame coin toss. Make a side bet with someone on who will win it, and put your money on the Saints. The NFC has won the coin toss for 13 years running. If you make the bet and lose, well, then you really are one unlucky SOB.

For The Insufferable Social Networker - Please no bowl-related Facebook updates...Unless you want to get hidden fast. If everyone starts live updating every catch and call (e.g. “OMG NOLA WTF?”, “Worst call ever!!!”, “I <3 Peyton!”) it will send the News Feed into a perpetual circle jerk from which we will never recover. We get it. You’re watching. So are 99.99 million other people.

For The Dog Lover - Puppy Bowl VI kicks off on Animal Planet at 3 p.m. For Seattle viewers, that’s about a half hour before kickoff. So with rule 2 in mind, set the DVR. Who’s a good boyy? Who’s a good booooyy??

Happy Watching.

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